Vaginas are Pretty

Vaginas are pretty. Ok, I don’t actually think that’s true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just don’t find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps it’s that my aesthetics meter just isn’t calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace. For example it always seems to be mothers spouting on about the gorgeousness of babies and porn stars talking about beautiful beavers.

All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that it’s worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view which was, “why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace”, has been changed to “my muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club”. You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwald’s character do her hair and you realize she’s actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her?

What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible – which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes. After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesn’t turn up any results, so don’t bother), we hit upon “Eating Pussy Lesson”. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of “the clit is not a myth” and “yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful”, but what I got was much, much better. A mature blond woman – still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from – gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves. I won’t get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent.

But let’s be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right. The average North American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates – the average single North American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area, waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act… the Brazilian wax job.

I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes. This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor. Don’t be surprised if you see “laser yourself bald” as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Orman’s next book.

After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years.

But if you’re hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, you’re out of luck. I’m going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. I’ll go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and I’ll even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live.

Much ado about nothing

Even if a man doesn’t realize it, he is obsessed with his penis. He is also rather concerned that about the size of that penis. Most men worry that their member doesn’t measure up. These feelings of inadequacy, whether real or imagined, can significantly impact a man’s sexual performance. There is a myth that women are as obsessed as men are with penis size and a real fear that a gal will tell a guy that his unit isn’t enough for her.

Most women don’t think that way. For them, it’s quality, not quantity that provides satisfaction. Lovemaking is about more than the size of the instrument. In fact, the SIZE OF A MAN’S PENIS HAS ABSOLUTELY  NO RELATION TO SEXUAL PERFORMANCE OR PLEASURE. (Read that part twice if you need to.) Sexual pleasure, and as a relative entity, performance, corresponds to a person’s state of mind, the feelings he/she has for his/her partner and the willingness to attend to the needs of both parties in the interaction.

Here are some facts about the common male penis that might put things into better perspective for you:

1. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn’t get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).

2. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don’t care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li’l guy.

3. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.

4. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.

5. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor’s looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you’re not.

6. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they’d make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.

7. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That’s Greek for “amazing swimmer with large penis.” Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.

8. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we’ll shut up now.

9. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It’s estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.

10. Are you a grower or a shower: An international Men’s Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.

11. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?

12. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better “semen displacement” you’ll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That’s according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the “scooping” mechanism of the penis’s coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.

13. The penis that’s been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 — that’s about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It’s good to be king.

14. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm — and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.

15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.

Research by the editors of Men’s Health Germany

More tidbits:

• the size of the average penis when erect measures 5.5 – 6.5 inches
• the size of the average penis when not erect is about 3.5 inches
• the average girth of the penis (when erect) is 5.7 inches
• actual amount of semen per ejaculation – 1-2 teaspoons
• average speed of ejaculation – 28 miles per hour
• average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen – 7
• most arousing time of year for a man is autumn (fall)
• most arousing time of day for a man is early morning
• penis size is determined by factors beyond your control such as genetics and perhaps cultural factors (and even age).

The best things you can do to improve your sexual function have nothing to do with surgical penile enhancement. Quitting smoking, exercising and losing weight will all help you perform better in the bedroom. If you find an insensitive partner who makes you feel inadequate, ditch him/her. That person is not worth your time or energy.

Remember – if you are overly concerned about your penis size and it impacts your sexual performance, you can always seek out help. A trained mental health professional can provide strategies to assist you.

It’s not the size of the post that matters

You’ve all seen it here and everywhere, all these males claiming that their dick is this size or that size. It’s time to bring a lot of that back to reality.

“Big” is mostly a matter of self-deception.

Although there have been quite a few pictures here of male members that truly were freaks of nature, better suited for a side-show than a bedroom, most of us are AVERAGE — that’s the quintessential meaning of the word, and the measure of the word is 6 to 7 inches.

But most males come up with some truly insane and inaccurate ways to measure their cocks.

Here’s some facts and some guidelines for measuring.

First, LENGTH.

Males always say things like “my dick is xx inches long” and that’s just as true as “I can eat pussy all night long.” Give it a FUCKING REST!! The ONLY valid way to measure your dick length is to take an old-fashioned wooden school ruler, place it flat on TOP of your dick, and push it into your pelvis as far as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your dick ends is how long your dick is.

Read it and weep. It does not get any longer than that. If you know what parallax error is, then you know that this actually makes your dick measure a quarter inch longer than it really is.

Now — you uncut bastards, you’re a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your dick length. If you’re really ignorant, “prepuce” is your foreskin, the male anatomical part most commonly regarded as the most repugnant, rejectable, and disposable part of a man. Besides his personality.

Do NOT measure your prepuce as being part of your dick length. When you have your dick inside your fuck partner, your prepuce always slides back, so the only length they can feel is from your urethral opening and back. You are a DICK, and not a fin fish as defined in the Texas Parks and Wildlife Fishing and Hunting Regulations. Pinching a fin-fish’s tail to make it long enough to keep is not the same as pinching your prepuce to make your dick long enough to fuck.

You are just a dick, not a game fish, no matter how large your bag limit or how willingly you’d eat a dick like you would eat a game fish. So skin it before you measure it.

For length, use the school ruler method. If you are actually longer than a 12-inch ruler, I pity you but you should either say “12 inches plus” or else get a goddamn yardstick from the sewing store.

Using a carpenter’s tape measure does NOT count. If it did, I could hook the end of the tape in my asshole and measure a 12-inch dick right now, and I don’t even have an erection. So could you. A few of you are doing exactly that, as you read this.

Next, GIRTH.

Girth is a technical term that means “how big around it is.” I know I’ve been using a lot of technical terms here. Get over it. Get a dictionary. And NO, that is NOT a book that tells you how large your penis is, except that a few of you have your pictures next to the words “inflated” “exaggerated” “mendacity” and “fraud.” And — I left out “laughable” and “miniscule.”

The only accurate way to measure the girth of your dick is with a flexible tape measure, the kind you can get at the sewing store — or can borrow from your gay clothing designer best friend. You measure your girth by wrapping the tape measure around the AVERAGE-SIZE part of the shaft of your cock. And you cannot measure the “width” of your dick, because dicks are oval-shaped in cross-section and not all proportionately equal in width by depth. Girth counts. Only. And please don’t say that your dick girth is how WIDE it is, because if your dick were that wide it would not be your penis, it would be the tail of a goddamn beaver.

And when you measure girth, wrap the tape just one time, bitches. One time. If you’re one of those mushroom-headed fuckers, do NOT say your dick girth is the circumference of your mushroom head. That’s a fucking lie, and you know it. If there’s an inch difference between your mushroom head and its supporting structure, and if you think it matters, report both numbers separately. I’ve been told that some dick recipients like a big-ass dick head and a slender shaft to push it in and out. in this case, accurate reporting will get you more ass that actually wants YOUR individual dick.

Ot 500 more just like it.

AVERAGE:

To give you an idea of what’s “average,” six inches length is considered “average.” A majority of women find that to be perfect, as long as the dick owner has a clue of what he’s doing. If he does not know, then dick length is totally irrelevant, because he’s a lousy fuck, no matter what. As far as men preferring larger, average, or smaller? I don’t know about THAT, but I do know that pussies can stretch a lot more than rectums, so at least in theory, a pussy can fit a huge dick better than a rectum can fit a huge dick. Your ass-pounding mileage may vary.

If you are shorter than average, you may have to work on having a nice personality and good sexual techniques. Do that, and you’ll be getting more ass than a ride at Six Flags. if you are longer than average? Same thing. The ONLY person who gives a shit about your freak-of-nature footlong schlong is YOU. Be a nice person and a good lover, or get used to jacking off. Jacking off ALL THE TIME.

As far as girth, I won’t speak to “average” except to note that “average” girth is proportional to length. The rest of you fuckers can work the numbers. I am not in the business of measuring thousands of dicks to determine “average” girth, or “average” girth vs. length.

But here are a couple of numbers to make you shut your mouth.

A standard 12 oz beer can (Miller, Bud, NOT Coors) is approximately 8 inches in girth. So if you claim a “beer can dick” you better be close to this. Also remember that a standard 12 oz beer can is only 4 3/4 inches tall / long. That means that your “beer can” dick is nearly 20% shorter than average, and too fat to use. Don’t believe me? In the privacy of your own home, try wrapping your lips around a beer can.

Next measure — a paper towel roll. A paper towel roll — exact same size as a toilet paper roll — is just shy of 5 1/2 inches in girth. Again, in the privacy of your own home, maybe the next time you’re sitting on the toilet jacking off (that may be right now for some of you), see if you can put your dick inside the toilet paper roll. If you can, then your dick girth is LESS than 5 1/2 inches.

I won’t offer any smaller standards for dick girth comparison, because some of you might get your feelings hurt.

I will finish with this — do NOT use a peter pump when you measure, unless you use the same peter pump every time you show your erection to another person. THAT should be a much greater embarrassment to you than knowing your dick isn’t as big around as a beer can and you don’t need a yardstick to see how long it is.

Now all you mutherfuckers need to QUIT LYING and MEASURE UP to the truth. If you really do have an actually huge dick, that’s your business. If you are AVERAGE, that’s your business. If you have a truly small cock, that’s your business.

Well, your business, and the business of all the people who want to fuck you. And there are enough people in the world who want different sizes of dicks that you will have NO trouble getting ass, just as soon as you quit being a DICK and lying about your peter.

What you got down there?

You’d think “vagina” was a dirty word considering all the different slang people use to get around using it. Below are some of the least offensive and highly unusual ones. What’s your favourite slang word for “vagina?”

V-jay- I first heard it when comedian Brian Posehn used it in a joke in Comedians of Comedy. There is something catchy about it. I guess cause it is short and sweet.

Snatch- this is my all-time favorite. Come on- think of a verb “name” for penis. You can’t, can you?

Deli Meat- my friend used this once in a conversation. I have yet to hear it anywhere else so it goes on the list!

Vag- straight and to the point. If you use this you are probably a no-nonsense kind of person. It also has a good ring to it!

Pink Parts- this is the term that the girly girls use. It’s cute and sweet.

Cabbage- not sure how this describes the vagina. The smell maybe? Again, another one I hadn’t heard before so points for originality but then some points taken away for obscurity.

Beaver- this would work for someone who is very au natural. I saw a beaver (the animal) for the first time two weeks ago at the zoo. Have you ever seen one? They are big and scary and VERY VERY VERY hairy.

Box- one of the very first slang terms I ever heard for Vagina. I think maybe I heard it in the sixth grade. My friend’s older sister used it all the time. I thought she was the coolest person on the planet so for me this one is still has that “first time” nostalgia for me.

Muff- again, fond memories of this. Fun and kinda silly, I had a swim teammate who used this term exclusivly. I can think of worse things to call a vagina.

Kebab- this was brought into the vernacular by someone on the reality show Big Brother. Another food reference that I don’t quite understand. Someone please explain!

Beef Curtains- possibly one of the grossest terms ever for vagina. But hey, maybe you like beef.

Morris Minor- cockney slang. Try it at a party. Everyone will ask you what the hell you are talking about.

Furry Cup- a funny little Scottish reference. I may start using this one regularly.

Goodies- here is another girly, safe euphemism. If pussy is too much for you, consider this as an option!