Free Doormat

Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is “enraged” the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I’m a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I’m short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I’m looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you:

-fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what “my people” are doing wrong
-make “ironic” racist jokes
-are a spoiled-ass mama’s boy
-have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am)
-hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics)
-understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place
-use “non-normatively gendered” as a synonym for “teeming with internalized misogyny”

Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don’t worry, I’ll clean up after you. I’d prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!!

Dear Nice Guy

Dear Nice Guy,

I understand how upset you were when I broke up with you. Hey, I was disappointed too. I really had high hopes for our relationship. I thought you would be different from the usual assholes. Sure, you were less good looking, less stylish, not as cool as those other guys, but I thought, I can see beyond those surface imperfections to the great personality that supposedly lies beneath. I really tried, and I didn’t want to break up with you, but you left me no choice. Then you begged me to tell you why, and I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be mean. But since I now see you slipping into that lame old excuse, “Women only like assholes who treat them bad, nice guys finish last,” I feel compelled to explain exactly why I had to dump you.

1. You are a terrible kisser. There’s really no way to say this in the moment, but your technique is disgusting. Please do not ever try to lick the roof of my mouth, stick your tongue up my nose, or slobber like a dog.

2. You stink. Yes, I realize your shyness around women makes you very nervous which can cause some incredibly foul sweat, but please, use more deodorant or something. And there is just no excuse for bad breath or a stinky butt. For god’s sake, practice basic hygiene.

3. You have a huge fucking chip on your shoulder. Look, I’m really sorry those bitches in high school wouldn’t talk to you. But you’re 35, get over it already. You know, I was a loser in high school too, but I don’t obsess over it every day. And I don’t think it entitles me to whine about how difficult my life has been, and how everyone needs to be more accepting of my issues.

4. You’re boring. And I don’t mean that in the “would rather read poetry than go snowboarding” kind of way, because I’m a nerd too. No, I mean you never joke around, you never do silly or spontaneous things, everything with you has to be discussed seriously and at length. Lighten up!

5. You’re creepy. Did you miss some secret boy meeting when you were a kid on how to flirt with girls without coming off like a total sleaze? Don’t say, “You may not have noticed, but I’ve been looking at your body.” Believe me, I noticed. You’re not that subtle. Also don’t say, “I’m going to pay for your dinner so you’ll have sex with me.” Your candor is not charming, it’s repellant. Don’t tell me how many times you’ve jerked off to thoughts of me naked. If you want to do that, go right ahead, but please don’t announce it like it was the evening news, it makes you sound like a stalker.

6. You’re shallow. I know you think wanting to be around me every second of every day demonstrates how much you care for me, but as soon as I realized it was because you have no life of your own, it just got annoying. You told me that have no interests or preferences except what I want, and no emotions of your own, except in reaction to me. That is not being intimate, that’s just creepy. When I ask what you want for dinner, just say what you want. If you don’t know, say “I don’t know.” But don’t look at me with puppy dog eyes and whisper “Whatever you want” every fucking time! Jesus, it’s just dinner!

7. You’re a lousy lay. I know, your inexperience because of your nice guy status is to blame, but you could at least be willing to learn. You don’t need to ask permission or announce every single move you’re about to make. It kills the mood. Don’t give me orders like I’m a piece of software you’re programming. Jeez, if I wanted to be awkwardly groped and poked, I’d have sex with a 15 year old boy.

8. You have anger issues. You are so afraid of ever showing the slightest bit of anger that you repress it until you explode in rage at some inappropriate moment, like when I did not respond favorably to your demands for sex. Let me share a secret with you: if you had kept your mouth shut, you would have gotten some. But after you turned red in the face and started yelling at me for not giving it up fast enough, did you really think I would let you fuck me?

So let’s review: you’re secretly filled with rage and resentment, and you think you are entitled to sex on demand. That doesn’t sound “nice” at all now, does it? Thanks for showing me that so-called “nice guys” are assholes too. If I’m going to be stuck with an angry, demanding asshole, I might as well choose someone who’s at least pretty on the outside.

So long,

Your Ex-Girlfriend

Reasons I am single

Here, my faceless friends, are some of the reasons I do not have a girlfriend. I’m not one to complain, and this indeed is not a complaint at all. I usually enjoy the spoils of the single life. This is simply a list that, for some reason, I am sharing out of boredom.

1) I’M SHORT… OK, I’m not like midget short. Just short. Like 5′6″… roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there’s apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c’mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren’t hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I’ll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys… my plan is working splendidly…)

2) I’M HILARIOUS… Sadly though, I’m hilarious in a weird way. Not in the I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them kind of weird, but in a sometimes-people-don’t-know-how-to-respond kind of way. Which is fun for me. Because I enjoy awkwardness…

3) I DON’T HAVE TO SHAVE REGULARLY… I’m in my 20s. I still do not have to shave everyday, and I couldn’t grow a beard if I was paid to. Now, some women may consider this cute. Thank you. But how cute will it be when you wake up next to me in the morning, and for just a *split second* you think you are waking up next to your little brother? Trust me, it’s traumatic and creepy for both you and for me.

4) I’M BROKE…ISH… Today I learned I have negative money in my checking account. That’s always awesome to hear. Thankfully, I keep more than one account and was able to correct things quickly (since I’m so respondible), but still, it was scary. You know what else this means though, right? I like to do things and go out to places that don’t cost a lot of money. So, I’m sorry, but there will not be any $100 bottles of wine or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or something expensive sounding like that. I mean, I’ll spring for more than McDonalds… I do have SOME pride, but seriously… Do I look like I am made out of money? Well, I’ll answer for you (since you can’t see me). No, no I do not look like I am made out of money…. yet….

5) I CAN’T COOK… Every single girl I know says that a guy who can cook is sexy. Well, to be blunt, I cannot cook. At all. I rely heavily on my microwave, pizza delivery, and carry-out places exclusively. The last three times I have tried to use the oven, things have caught on fire. Seriously. And I have never used my stove. Ever. Also, I cannot dance well. I know that has nothing to do with cooking, but both are sexy qualities I do not posess.

6) I SUCK AT DOING THE LAUNDRY… Much like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. So, like George and his cherry tree, I must confess that I don’t do laundry very often. It’s not that I walk around in dirty clothes, because I don’t. I dress very well and actually get complimented on it from time to time. It’s just that I have the philosophy that most things aren’t dirty after wearing them only once. Is that normal? Or is that just me? I don’t know.

7) I READ… A lot. Many types of things too. Most people would consider being well read a good thing. I do too, usually. However, it seems that my success rate with meeting women who also like to read – but who aren’t also shockingly unattractive in one way or another – is rather slim. I find that most people who read profusely are either socially inept or weird and boring or ugly. Yes, I realize that statement applies to myself too, so there’s no need to point it out to me.

I HAVE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS – Um, let’s be honest… how many sexy European women out there would go for someone like me? Or even hot women in general? Actually, I prefer beautiful or cute to hot. But those women always seem to be taken.

9) I’M CUTE… yes, it’s true. Or so I am told. Cute cute cute. Unfortunately however, I am not like Orlando Bloom meets Brad Pitt meets Jake Gyllenhall cute. Nope… instead, I am cute like your baby nephew. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but I’m convinced that people are just dying to pinch my cheeks and mess up my hair when they see me. It’s only a matter of time. So yes, I’m cute, but not in the actually attractive kind of way. Which sucks.

10) I’M WRITING THIS ON PLENTY OF FISH… Enough said. But hey, YOURE the one reading it HA! Take THAT!

So, there you have it. I don’t mean to offend anyone or to start a debate. Obviously, this was done very tongue-in-cheek. I just wanted to write a list. There are plenty of positive things about me too, but the thought of writing this list occured to me today while taking a shower. And everyone knows that usually our best ideas come while in the shower. So I just HAD to write this.

197 (more) reasons to date me

A potential girlfriend once emailed me a list of all of the reasons I would want to date her.  She was a very nice person but alas her kid was the spawn of Satan and it didn’t last.

1. You’ll never have to worry about driving illegally in the carpool lane again
2. The taste of your tongue is all I’ve ever needed
3. I’ve got a shiny new Blockbuster card waiting just for you
4. I promise not to use your back to keep my feet warm
5. I’ll let you push me on the swings
6. I always put the cap back on the toothpaste
7. I’ll stash little notes for you where you’ll least expect them
8. We’ll make history together
9. Because no other pirate’s tongue can “shiver me timber” quite like yours
10. Sleeping alone just sucks…. period!
11. When you’re around me I’ve got the sex drive of a 16 year old boy
12. There isn’t anything I feel I can’t tell you
13. I wish I could give you all of my firsts
14. All I can offer you is all of my lasts
15. You’re safe with me
16. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late
17. I’ll lick the envelope for you
18. You’ve seen the monsters under my bed, and you’re still here
19. I’ll let you sneak a taste when I’m cooking
20. I know CPR
21.I won’t make you wear lame sweaters when we go to family Christmas parties
22. You fucking turn me on!
23. You love my dorkiness
24. When you are trying to keep count, I will try and mess you up
25. You’re magically delicious
26. I suck at strip poker
27. I’ll hold your coffee for you when you’re driving
28. Around you dry panties are a thing of the past
29. I promise not to burn the house down while you’re gone
30. If you wash the car with me I promise to wear a white T-shirt for you
31. I’ll make you Mickey Mouse pancakes
32. I won’t bite unless you want me to
33. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we are doing it together
34. I’ll circle your birthday on my calendar
35. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv
36. I’ll carve your initials in a tree
37. I won’t swear around your family
38. I’ve never been Punk’d
39. If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair
40. I come with an extended warranty
41. I’ll grant you three wishes
42. I’ll buy you a lap dance
43. I didn’t vote for either George Bush
44. I don’t tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home
45. I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores
46. I’m likely to have a different hair color every time you see me
47. I’m slippery when wet
48. I only use the rail when I walk down the stairs 30% of the time ( I love to walk the line ya know)
49. I’ve never read Playboy for the articles
50. I’ll make you laugh
51. I’ve never been in one of Tommy Lee’s movies
52. I’ll never under cook the eggs
53. I’ll never drink your last beer
54. I can make a mean pot of chili
55. I’ll pretend I didn’t see you look at that chick with the big boobs
56. I’ll always be impressed with how strong you are
57. I know that handcuffs aren’t just for the cops
58. I don’t recycle
59. I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
60. I won’t steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
61. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick
62. I’ll make fun of you
63. I can give a kick ass back rub
64. I haven’t been a house guest of O.J. Simpson
65. I like porn
66. I can’t stand soap operas
67. I don’t care if you leave the seat up
68. I pump my own gas
69. I don’t give a shit if I break a nail
70. I’ve got cookies
71. I don’t chew tobacco
72. I take a shower every day
73. I like it when you pull my hair
74. I’ll let you beat me at pool (LET you cause if I try, you’re going down)
75. I don’t care that you go out with the boys
76. I don’t eat crackers in bed
77. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing hard
78. I can’t stand the mall
79. I don’t care what music we listen to in the car
80. I’ve never eaten a bon-bon in my life
81. When you wash the dishes it turns me on
82. I have a big butt and I am proud of it
83. My heart will jump every time you walk through the door
84. I’ll save everything you ever give me
85. I won’t ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming
86. You just can’t stop reading this!
87. I always use my nails to scratch a lottery ticket
88. I know where to put in the oil, and have even done it
89. I’ll think you’re just about the coolest person I know
90. I think pizza and a game at the sports bar down the street is the ideal date
91. What the hell is “in the box”?
92. I always open a window when I paint
93. I’ve never been on Americas Most Wanted
94. The only drama I have any part of is on t.v.
95. I know how to make a fire
96. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue
97. I’ve got secret tattoos
98. My kisses will take your breath away
99. I don’t care if you leave your socks on
100. I can’t stand John Mayer
101. I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone
102. My weird habits you’ll find adorable
103. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you
104. I’d fuck Angelina Jolie too
105. I’ll thank you every time you open the door
106. I’ll never waste your love
107. I’ll laugh at every joke even when it’s not funny (but only in public – when we’re alone I’ll tell you if it’s not funny)
108. I’d never give you shit in front of your friends
109. It gets better every time
110. Use as much salt as you want I don’t care
111. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch
112. I’ll help you find your keys
113. I don’t stop and ask for directions either
114. I don’t have a big brother, so you don’t have to worry about getting your ass kicked ever
115. We can watch your movie first
116. I don’t need batteries
117. I once ate a cricket
118. I eat red meat
119. I’ll clean the house perfect every time your mom comes
120. I’ll always have smooth legs
121. I like it when my hair gets messed up
122. I used to be able to put my feet behind my neck
123. My family is just as fucked up as yours
124. I don’t want to get married any time soon
125. I like horror movies
126. I smell pretty good (Kind of citrusy and pina-coladaee)
127. I don’t litter
128. When I can I give to charity
129. I can be ready in 10 minutes or less
130. I lose at arm wrestling every time
131. I look both ways before I cross the street
132. I never look directly into the sun
133. I’ll look cute in your shirt
134. I’m not a virgin
135. You’re hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know
136. I won’t ever leave makeup on your shoulder
137. I’ve never hung a pair of panty hose on the shower rack in my life
138. I like it when you call me a whore in bed
139. I can balance a check book
140. I’ll help you not to forget your moms birthday
141. I would never yell “fire” in a crowded theatre
142. I’m really good at sneaking food into the movies
143. I was the second grade spelling bee champ
144. I’ll never say ‘nothings wrong’ when there really is
145. I know how to hold my own hair back when I get sick
146. I’ve never cried over spilt milk
147. I have never stabbed anyone in the eye
148. I can count to 100 by 5’s
149. I’ve never smuggled drugs out of the country
150. I don’t care if you eat dinner without a shirt
151. I think it’s hot when you masturbate
152. I never overload the washer
153. What else have you got to do?
154. I know that whipped cream goes on more than sundaes
155. I’ve never auditioned for American Idol
156. I don’t eat yellow snow
157. I like it when you talk to your friends about me in bed
158. My sunday morning breakfasts will change your life
159. My chin fits ‘just right’ in your shoulder when you hold me close
160. I’ll understand if you get jealous
161. I’m just that good
162. I never had sexual relations with Bill Clinton
163. You’re getting very sleepy…
164. I’ve never been on Jerry Springer
165. I may have already won $10,000,000.
166. You won’t be able to get me out of your head
167. I know that sticks are better than automatics
168. I’ll let you drive every time if you want
169. I buy a new toothbrush every time the blue wears down
170. I know that objects in the mirror are bigger than they appear
171. Flowers will get you laid every time
172. I’ve never gotten caught lip synching on SNL
173. I have a $3.24 credit at PayLess Shoes
174. I never leave the engine running while I’m pumping gas
175. I never run with scissors
176. I’ve taken the Coke/Pepsi challenge and won
177. Almost every time I have a winning bottle top
178. I know how to keep a secret
179. If you spell something wrong I just think it’s cute
180. I’ve never failed a survey
181. I can almost every time find Waldo
182. I never put my fingers in the light socket
183. I’m a Cancer
184. I have all my shots
185. It’s okay, I don’t really expect you to last longer than 10 minutes anyways
186. I’m pretty damn funny
187. I’m not a doctor and I’ve never played one on t.v. either
188. I don’t care if you eat off my plate
189. None of my friends are guys I used to have sex with
190. When you’re sleeping I’ll always try to be quiet
191. I have never run out of gas (well I just fucked myself there now, didn’t I?)
192. I know the difference between they’re, their, and there
193. You really kinda would dig having someone to cuddle with on the couch
194. I know how to get stains out of tshirts
195. I know how to leave you satisfied and hungry for more every time
196. I’m really good at making lists
197. After reading this far you’ve already got too much time invested all ready – might as well e-mail me.

An open letter to my first girlfriend

Dear Holly,
Look, I’ll come straight to the point. I’m sorry I didn’t know where the clitoris was.
I was a horrible wreck of dry humping, fingering teen lust who pinned you to couches and carpets and danced all around your deserving button of love without so much as grazing it, without even inquiring as to the location of your hidden high-school treasure, without even thinking that you might not be liking the way I was swizzling my hand around in your nether regions.

You were patient with me. You let me slip you the tongue in the field behind the shopping center. You allowed me to reach second base in the bathroom at Phil’s party—you remember, the one where we drank all that peach schnapps and watched The Wall on Phil’s mom’s big-screen TV. Heck, you sat still in the back of Scott Parsons’ sweet-ass Honda Prelude while I rooted around in your shorts like a frat boy working a couch for spare change.

While I’m at it, I’m also sorry for letting Brandon smell my fingers. That was immature and uncool, and even though you never found out, I feel badly about it. Really, I do.

To be honest, you should be pissed at my dad. We never “had the talk.” I had no diagrams to work from, no explanation of the intricate workings of the little man who steers the canoe. Everything I knew about sex was gleaned from Cinemax’s presentation of Emmanuelle in Bangkok and this old Betamax porno Bobby stole from his dad. I watched the latter one three times. Other than making me uncomfortable to be around my dentist, it didn’t help.

I asked my father why he never clarified the finer points of clitoral massage with me way back then, but he just said that wasn’t really part of polite conversation and he’d prefer not to discuss it. So I asked him if he knew where Mom’s clitoris was and he hung up on me. I took that as a no.
Anyway, sorry about that. I’d have done you right if I’d had any idea what we were both missing.

Sincerely,
Mike

Reasons to date me

Reasons to date me:
- I am a man.

This means the following:
- I have a penis (dimensions upon request)
- I have two testicles (dimensions upon request)
- I complain
- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)
- I emit occasionally offensive odors
- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from historical data)
- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)
- I drink
- I drink more than you (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)
- I drink to get drunk (see note above re: poor morning disposition)
- I drink to make you fun
- I curse (if you don’t like it, fuck you)
- I am fun (ask anybody, except your friend Jessica – she’s a bitch anyway)
- I employ logic to solve a problem
- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing the winning percentage of the NY Giants
- I hate your ex-boyfriends
- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes
- I do stupid shit like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a dinner party whenever the conversation bores me
- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” they are internally miserable
- I lie, but only to avoid offending you (“Those jeans look great on you”)
- I watch porn (frequency is inversely proportional to our sexual frequency)
- I am presumptuous (see note above re: our sexual frequency)
- I watch sports
- I listen to music that makes me feel good
- I say your friend is getting fat when I know damn well she weighs less than you do
- I hate PDA
- I think you have at least 2 hot friends
- I am messy
- I think your friends suck
- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference
- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your cigarette
- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument
- I love me, with or without you

What I’m looking for:
- A woman

This means the following:
- You have a vagina (details on plumage to be sent with picture)
- You have two breasts (dimensions to be sent with picture)
- You bitch
- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like blaming your own problems on me)
- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over the phone when responding to a joke you know isn’t funny)
- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what strangers think of you)
- You eat chicken and sushi
- You drink apple martinis
- You drink fewer apple martinis than I do (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)
- You drink to forget abusive ex-boyfriends
- You drink to make me bearable to be around
- You curse (and I like it)
- You’re fun, whenever you’re not around your girlfriends (that Jessica turns you into such a bitch)
- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence contained in the sentence “just because.”)
- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string theory
- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still trying to fuck you
- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded
- You do stupid shit like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the same drawer that the screwdriver is in
- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” that you are forcing it
- You like it when I lie
- You hate porn, but only because you know it can replace you, if only temporarily
- You are presumptuous (“Where are we going for dinner?”)
- You watch reality TV
- You listen to music that makes you cry
- You say you’re getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza
- You like PDA because you’re starved for attention
- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you’re making them seem more attainable
- You are somehow messier than I am, but it’s always my fault
- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you’ll never admit it
- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can control
- You always smell like your shampoo
- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an argument is futile (see note above re: logic)
- You love being with someone
- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true