You really “haven’t done anything like this before” have you? It shows…

This is really becoming ridiculous. I am tired of hooking up with attractive women who, though they have been on this Earth for three to four decades, don’t have the first idea on how to properly smoke a pole. This is especially annoying when I have just spent 30-60 minutes getting excited between their beautiful, tender thighs taking orders (and my arms, neck and tongue are now completely numb, stiff and/or have pins and needles) and I’ve let them smoke a generous helping of my good weed and polish off half a bottle of Crown.

If you are in need of pointers, read on. Otherwise, have a nice day.

First, (assuming the man is on his back) take the pole into your hand and pull it straight up into the air. Don’t pull it too far back- if it breaks off, there is certainly going to be some trouble and you may find yourself charged with negligent manslaughter after I bleed to death.

Firmly gripping the base of the shaft with one hand, then place your ENTIRE mouth around the upright penis and slowly suck to an area AT LEAST 1″-2″ inches below the dickhead. This is where the penis is most sensitive. If you concentrate exclusively on the dickhead, it will be too sensitive and the BJ will be more torture than pleasure. Avoid this, especially if you don’t want me to keep sucking on your clit after you come in my mouth and you are writhing atop my bed because of the sensitivity.

After my stiff 7″ (actually, 6″, but if you are experienced enough to immediately notice and make a mental note you shouldn’t be in my bedroom) has been sufficiently made wet by your mouth slowly moving up and down my pole, it’s time to introduce the hand into the equation.

You instinctively put your hand over your mouth to project your voice to distances over 20 yards away in the event of emergency, such as, “Hey! That fucking dickhead from the Parking Authority is about to write you a ticket for double-parking while you bring your groceries into your apartment!” Use the same technique here – place your hand over your mouth, just between your lips and nose, and continue to suck! Both your hand and soft lips are now gliding up and down my dickhead and shaft, providing me with indescrible pleasure. (If not for this, I wouldn’t be hanging out with you in the first place.)

Now DON’T actually yell out while my blessed member is in your mouth (especially to someone from the Parking Authority) but note that the excitement could be increased even further if you would moan and purr like you are enjoying my cock more than that box of chocolates that you keep dipping into despite your vow to be on your tenth straight diet. (It doesn’t matter if you actually ARE enjoying it- sometimes licking your snatch is like licking the inside of someone’s nose with a sinus infection, yet I don’t complain.)

Do NOT- I repeat, NOT- ever stroke the cock where the shaft meets the balls. There is absolutely no sensitivity in that area. Your hand properly belongs over your mouth. Even worse is when a woman starts pulling on the scrotum in that area, thinking you might enjoy it. How about I try pulling your ears from your face? It would be just as sexually pleasureable.

If your technique is proper, most men will be morphed into a two-minute tiger. The cock will stiffen within minutes to a degree greater than the body of the city’s most recent shooting victim of the year down at the morgue. Ejaculation is now imminent! It is VERY important that you continue sucking for at least 3-4 seconds following the first cumblasts spraying the back of your throat. This will ensure that the involuntary trigger reflex in my penis will begin. Like an AK-47 in the hands of Iraqi insurgents, properly triggering off my pole will ensure that it will keep firing and firing until the entire contents of my burdened balls effortlessly make my way into your mouth in one fell swoop and the 12,000,000,000 potential children begin the journey down your esophogus to their final destination of swimming around in your stomach.

If you pull away too soon, the penis will not successfully trigger and will not continue shooting itself off without some extra effort on your part. It’s best to get it all out at once so I don’t have to awkwardly begin pleading and screaming, “Omigod! Omigod! Baby, there’s more! There’s more! Keep sucking! Keep sucking!” at the height of ecstasy.

Bonus points if you flick your tongue at the base of my dickhead while I’m exploding in your mouth.

After you are confident that all of the sperm has been drained from my testicles (or, my hand releases its vice-grip on the back of your head – whichever comes first), then you may remove your mouth from my penis and slowly lick up and down my still-twiching shaft. Lick the balls, too- they LOVE you at this moment. Then, pull my shaft back up toward you and slowly, softly suck for a few more seconds to top everything off. You can have anything you want from my fridge as I quickly fall off to sleep. Drink the other half bottle of Crown while you are at it.  I love you!

When I said “Gimme Five” I really meant it

What is it about women (the ones that I have met) and oral sex.  There is a big discrepancy between the sexes when it comes to the amount of time spent performing the act.  I know in my experience that there is a certain expectation that I spend as much time as needed to ensure that she is satisfied.  This will be on average from 15-60 minutes. Never mind that all this while my head is cocked at a 45 degree angle and my tongue gets numb from the swirling and darting that is required non-stop in order for her to reach orgasm.  God forbid that I rest for a second…that means starting from the beginning all over. Even worse I had one lover that seemed to enjoy it yet took an extra long time to come.  After some discussion I found out she was “holding out” to savour the sensations.  I thought my tongue was going to break off…but as long as SHE was happy…right?

When it comes to her “returning the favour” she seems to be in a rush to get it over with.  I timed it on more than one occasion, just for interest’s sake and 2 minutes seems to be about average.  After that she stops putting any effort into it and starts complaining about a stiff jaw.

I have to admit that I have NO experience in performing oral sex on a man so I don’t know if it is any more difficult than doing it to a woman.  Maybe I need the opinion of someone that has had the opportunity to experience both situations. I am not talking about anything extreme here, deepthroat or gagging, just “normal” oral sex. I was discussing this topic once with someone and they suggested it might be a “size” thing.  Maybe I was too big?  I laughed.  I say no more.

I am not complaining about my numb tongue or stiff neck, the results are well worse the slight discomfort.  I don’t make direct comparisons and do not have any specific expectation, it isn’t a matter of “I’ll give you five for five”.  I have never said anything to her regarding my stiff neck or my numb tongue, whereas she makes no “bones” about showing her displeasure with spending more than two minutes. I am just curious as to whether her complaints are justified.

What I feel is that oral sex is “work”.  There is specific concentration required to achieve the desired result and the “giver” only gets enjoyment from providing pleasure to the receiver.  There is no specific mutual physical stimulation as with intercourse.  After time I feel that we go from the “trying to impress” stage to “the as little as I can get away with stage” when it comes to any “job” and “blow” jobs are no exception.
Sometimes I “feel” tired from having to maintain a specific position for too long, but I will never complain.  The sexual tension that I get from this particular form of foreplay is second to none…I would assume that from what I have seen that women are possible not aroused in the same way by pleasuring their partner?

Or

Is it because oral sex on a woman can be a session in itself…followed by intercourse;  That being a woman can be stimulated orally to orgasm and then can have intercourse immediately afterwards.  If a man is stimulated to orgasm orally, typically there will be a gap in time before intercourse is viable.  So my point is, is oral sex on a man simply “foreplay” leading to intercourse while oral sex on here is a separate and distinct “session”?

Daddy…what does Mommy taste like?

I have had a number of women ask me if I actually like performing oral sex; in that is there a physical stimulus provided to the man through the action.  The answer is no.  There is no specific physical response directly, however the thought of what I am doing, the scent and the response of the recipient combine to make it highly arousing and provides an indirect physical response.  It would be virtually impossible for me to do this without becoming physically aroused.

Males describe vaginal secretions:

•”Lemony.”
•”Like the ocean.”
•”Cheerios.”
•”Have you ever put your tongue on the end of a battery? Like an alkaline battery.”
•”Like electricity, when you put a pop top from a soda can between your braces.”
•”Tangy.”
•”Like semen (salty), but better. Zesty.”
•”Tastes like glass.”
•”Whipped bananas and ginger ale.”
•”Similar to licking a non-bleeding wound. Sort of a salty, musty, yet sweet taste. It varies.”
•”Honestly I don’t remember the taste. The smell was all I could think about.”
•”A little fishy in taste, but that could be related to the smell.”
•”Depending on the woman and the time of the month, there can be a slight non-salty blood taste or a tangy battery taste.”
•”Bitter.”
“While performing oral sex on a college girlfriend, a few drops of a tepid, vaginal secretion were produced during her orgasm. When I tasted this fluid, I had the unusual sensation of eating a taco. That’s right! It was salty and tasted just like the combined flavors of fried hamburger meat, cheese, corn shell, and El Paso taco sauce! I’ll always have some very fond memories whenever I eat Mexican.”
•”Vaginal fluids are tangy, and syrupy, at least the ones I’ve come across. (!) If I haven’t tasted and she hasn’t BEEN tasted in a while, the fluids are especially tangy, but they always have a wonderful sweet smell. Kind of paradoxical, tangy-tasting and sweet-smelling, but that’s part of why it’s so much fun.”
•”It’s not so much a taste, it’s a smell. Kind of like a musty armpit but not really as offensive. Actually it might taste like a musty armpit too, I’ll have to check it and get back to you.”
•”A mixture of citrus and MSG.”
•”Soy sauce, the light Kikkoman.”
•”Indescribable.”
•”It didn’t have much flavor, but the sensation inside the mouth was what I remember most. It was a very warm, comforting feeling.”
•”Kind of sweet and sweaty.”
•”Sweet, not like anything I’ve ever tasted.”
•”Around the clitoris, it tastes like sweet tarts. In the vaginal canal, it tastes kind of like an artichoke tuna salad.”
•“Moss”
•“An old attic”

Mommy…How did your teeth get so white?

I have made it a habit of asking any woman I could as to why or why not when it comes to oral sex.  Most of them told me the taste was unappealing.  I went one step further and asked guys what they thought of the taste of a female during oral sex.  So here you go.  Please keep in mind that my survey has never got me closer to my fantastic goal but does make for interseting reading.

Females describe semen:

•”Ajax cleaner”
•”maybe salty”
•”smells like Ajax, I no longer buy Ajax because of it. Instead I buy Mr. Clean, it’s perfumed.”
•”thick Clorox”
•”rancid Elmer’s glue”
•”tastes and smells like Brie cheese”
•”It tastes like itself (it’s kind of like asking what pepper tastes like).”
•”Indescribable.”
•”It tasted like a thick, globby beer.”
•”I’ve discovered that although there is a general almond taste to all men — different men taste a little differently AND depending on how much a man drinks, smokes, and what he’s eating — the semen ranges in bitterness. The less healthy he is the worst his semen tastes. Almost like Clorox at times.”
•”It tasted quite salty.”
•”I cannot compare the taste to anything else I have tasted because its flavour is unique. I can compare its taste to the smell of Clorox bleach.
•Semen tastes like bleach smells!”
•”It has different tastes for different people ranging from rotten eggs and dirty socks to a slimy/salty taste.”
•”Semen had a taste of its own…Sometimes it’s more spicy  than other times; sometimes it’s sweeter. Sometimes it gives me the sensation that I just chewed on a balloon.”
•”Salty. It’s a lot like swallowing snot.”
•”Kind of like salty soft snot.”
•”Blah! BITTER taste!”
•”Salty glue, especially if dehydrated. Not-so-salty otherwise, actually more watery. Like paper-mache…flour, glue and old newspapers.”
•”Smells like Bradford Pear blossoms.”
•”I don’t know, but I’ve heard that semen tastes like whatever the ejaculator ate twelve hours before.”
•”Like you’d think dish washing detergent would taste, but doesn’t. Kind of soapy.”
•”Salty with a hint of chlorine.”
•”Tastes like the ink of an octopus.”
•”It tastes like almonds.”
•”The taste was not easy to identify, it was sort of mixed with another fluid.”
•”Sort of a non-descript taste leaning towards the salty side of the spectrum.”
•”Not much of a flavor. Kind of salty.”
•”What does saliva taste like?”
•”Alfalfa sprouts.”
•”Caviar.”
•”It has a surprising non-taste. It looks like snot but is not as salty. I was reminded of the time I woke up with a bloody nose and the blood had drained down my throat.”
•“Overcooked pasta”

My mom (yes, my mom) that the unique taste of semen proves that God isn’t a woman.  She said that if God were a woman that semen would taste like chocolate.

If my Pussy smells like Tuna

It’s a legitimate question, don’t you think?

I recently tickled my kitty in front of my cat to answer this question; a question every girl who has ever been mistaken for a fish and chip shop by a blind man has pondered, but has been afraid to ask. Initially I felt guilty about my little experiment, but curiosity won hands down—or possibly fingers in—and I was quickly so horny I didn’t really give a bugger.

At first my cat was none the wiser as I slyly slid out of my slightly damp knickers beneath the sheets and reached up for my vibrator. At first I was reluctant to turn it on as Lulu was literally six inches from my waist, so why draw attention to what I was doing if I didn’t have to, right? Well I had to—this was a scientific experiment, remember? As an un-vibrating vibrator is about as useful to a girl as foreplay to a chocolate chimney sweep, I turned it on gently, lay back and thought of Brad Pitt—or it might have been the drop-dead gorgeous girl across the hall.

Taken from and to continue reading the post: http://www.utterpants.co.uk/fiction/tunacat.html

Don’t think I won’t do it

Wow. It’s been great making out with you, a real live boy, on this couch for 15 minutes. I can see that now, after the conversation we had and the beer you bought me after your friend introduced us at the party, you think it’s about time you enjoyed the fruits of your labor. About time you got a blow job from me.

And let me tell you, you came to the right place. Because the world is populated by guys like you; in fact I’m willing to bet there’s not one man in the whole wide world who doesn’t think he deserves an on-the-couch blow job the first time he makes out with someone, so fear not. This is territory that any girl over the age of 15 has seen many, many times. So don’t think I won’t do it. There’s just a few things I need from you first.

First, I would appreciate it if you would wash your genitals once a day. Just once a day. Heck, you can even do it while you’re IN the shower washing anyway. Because guys like you — don’t blame me for presuming — often live under the gross misunderstanding that their genitals do not stink. Oddly, this is simultaneously the VERY SAME reason they give for not giving us girls oral sex. Listen while I compare the maintenance habits of me and you — it’ll only take a second and I’ll get right to it, swear to God.

So. Here’s what girls do. We scrub our genitals — front to back, inside and out — every day under a high-pressure stream of hot water, using expensive soap designed to both moisturize and leave a pleasant scent. Then we shave most of our genitals. You might think that’s an easy task. No, no, my friend. It is not easy. It requires bending, twisting, squatting, stretching and sometimes a hand-held mirror. It must be done every day, but it cannot be rushed. What may be passed off as a “nick” on, say, my knees or your face, can rise to the level of emergency-room-visit when wielding a sharp object so near one’s particulars. So. The shaving. Then once a month we go to a snooty spa and spend $80 — without tip — for a wax. That’s even more fun. That’s where we climb up on a table wearing paper panties and then a stranger walks in and starts applying hot wax to our genitals. Often they ask us to assume a particalurly demeaning position — on all fours, say, or holding one ankle above our heads — to get every last hair off. And, dude, it hurts. Really. Once we’re properly hairless, then we apply TendSkin to prevent red bumps, lotion to prevent any flaky skin and high-priced exfoliating scrub every other day to prevent ingrown hairs. When all is well, we scent our panties and go about our dressing for our big date with you, the super cute boy. Why all this preparation, you ask? It’s just so that when we DO manage to be making out with you, you can scrunch up your nose, look at our genitals and say that you “don’t do that.” You’re like, “Sorry, it’s not you, I just don’t…” And we’re like, “Oh, no. It’s OK,” secretly resenting every painful minute of our genital-prep time. OK, OK, that’s us. Now here’s you.

You probably run a wet bar of Irish Spring under your armpits every morning and, if we’re lucky, maybe take a swipe near your unmentionables. That’s the beginning and the end, am I right? You might be surprised to find that Irish Spring or no, you STILL may be stinky. It’s true! See, guys secrete sweat and stuff down there, just like girls. And it’s an area that never gets any sunlight or fresh air, just like girls. You piss and shit and sometimes it doesn’t all go away, just like girls. You have hair down there, just like girls. See where I’m going with this? You may stink as bad — nay, worse! — than me, the lucky lady about to put your cock and balls in my mouth. But have you ever heard a girl say she “doesn’t do that”? Exactly. We don’t say that. So do me a favor, please, and tomorrow start scrubbing your gentials with the same fervor I scrub mine. And consider buying wet toilet paper, it really does help you stay clean throughout the day. Anytime you think you might be perfectly clean, just rub a finger around your testicles and butt crack, then smell it. If comes up Irish Spring, perfect. If not, just think. I’m going to have to put my face in that.

So. Sorry to blabber on so long. I promise I’m almost done and we can start the fabuloso blow job I know you’ve been thinking about ever since that fateful night when you looked at me and said, “‘Sup?” Just a couple more things. Listen to me now. I give pretty good blowjobs. Seriously. I do. For a non-porn-star, I’m willing to bet this is about as good as you’re ever going to get. But hear me out. If you want to put your dick in my mouth, that is perfectly fine with me. But you need to respect the fact that my teeth were there first. I can’t, sadly, do anything with them as the Good Lord has seen fit to leave me all my teeth at this late age of 26 and I don’t have dentures. So if you have a serious problem with teeth touching your penis, here’s what I suggest you do: Don’t put your dick in other people’s mouths. See, that’s where all the teeth are. It is soooo easy to avoid getting my teeth against your dick. Just stop putting it in my mouth. Voila! If you insist on putting your dick in my mouth, and I can see that you do, I can promise to do my best to dis-locate my jaw to give you a blowjob that is all suck, spit and tongue. But sometimes you may feel a tooth. Whoops! No need to freak out. The same goes for anal sex, should we ever find ourselves down that path in the future. If you ever want to put your dick up my ass, and don’t even pretend, I know you will, that’s OK. As long as I feel like you care about me and respect me, that’s totally OK. But if I let you put your dick up my butthole, please don’t freak out if, afterward, you discover a speck of fecal matter on your penis on our way to the shower. Wow. That really embarasses me, believe me. No need to point it out. And if you do point it out, I can tell you there’s a simple solution for not getting fecal matter on your penis. What you do is, stop putting it in other people’s assholes. See how easy that is?

But I digress. We’re not talking about anal sex here, are we? We’re talking about oral sex, about the blowjob you expect from me because you got me that Amstel Light at the show, when you totally could’ve just gone Coors Light. My hat’s off, sir. You deserve a treat. So here goes. Now that we’ve had this little talk, I hope our oral sex experiences can be positive for both of us. Oh. One last thing. I’m going to swallow, OK?, and that doesn’t mean I love you and want to marry you. That means I’ll taste it less and won’t have your semen coursing over my tongue as I spit it out. So don’t read anything into that. Thanks for listening, and enjoy.

So you like to suck cock?

You walked in and took a seat, dressed like you were going to an interview. We made a little small talk before banging away at the task at hand. I know you were a little nervous, but it’s ok. You’re young and I could tell you haven’t done this more than a few times before. Since I’m obviously more experienced at this, I tried my best to put you at ease. Once the idle conversation tailed off, I decided to ask the more serious questions. I liked most of your responses, even if some of them came across a little rehearsed. I thought you were attractive – not that it really mattered. In the back of my mind I’m thinking, “you’re just what I’m looking for”.

As the questions became more difficult, I could see you getting more nervous. Then the “clicking” started. What the heck was it? Maybe, just a little nervous reaction? I could see you moving your tongue around and then it popped out. A stupid fucking barbell going straight through your tongue and you were flicking it around in your mouth!

What I didn’t ask you: So when exactly did you find the need to express yourself by drilling a hole in your tongue and pushing a steel pin through it. Was this piece of mouth jewelry a secret signal to guys that you’re easy? Did you receive so many complaints while giving head that you found it necessary to install apparatus in your mouth? Do you lack self-respect? I came to my own conclusion. You like to suck cock.

Yes, this was an interview, and there’s no way I’m paying someone $40,000 a year who is going to walk around the office wearing a giant sign in her mouth that says – I LIKE TO SUCK COCK. The letter you receive next week will be worded a bit more vague than this one.

Keeps on ticking…

Note that I received this wonderful piece in one of those pass-around emails, and I am not the original author. I just knew that this had to be posted. Thankfully, I received an email from the original author! ; She has plenty more to say so please see her message and the link to her site at the very bottom!

FELLATIO
Ah, sucking dick. For the penis owner, it’s a wonderful thing. For the mouth owner, it can also be a wonderful thing. Getting off and hearing/making somebody get off are both awesome, and when it’s done conscientiously, it will be remembered and cherished for many many masturbatory sessions to come. Heh. Come. I just made a pun there.

There are quite a few women, however, that have gone on a bit of a strike against the kind of gleeful and free head-giving days of yore. Often, I am confronted with angry males regarding this, and I always wind up giving the same advice. Here, you get it for free, and it’s all anonymous and stuff. Put it into practice, and you’ll be GOLDEN.

Boys:

1) Landscape, please. You see, while there are loads of women who depilate their crotchal regions by razor, epilady (*shudder*), hot wax, and Nair, not so many guys do the same thing unless their genitals are on display for the whole wide world to see. This must be stopped. I’m not saying that it should ALL go away, and I understand that shaving one’s scrotum is an endeavour NOT to be taken lightly, but a little pruning of the hedges is a really good idea. You see, hair comes out of its follicles at some very inopportune times. Having one of those mile-long pubes stuck to the roof of the mouth waaay in the back of the throat can cause a bit of consternation and there’s no beverage in the world that can dislodge that little fucker. Since the lovely noise of “HAAAAUUUUULK!!!! CHHHHHHHHHHHUUUULLLLLLAAAAAK!” tends to be less than sexy (and sometimes shatters the mood), do your part to prevent this type of hairball-horking. You’ll find that if you prune the hedges a tad, your Area will get much more attention.

2) Unless requested, do NOT put your hands on the back of your partner’s head and push. Ditto that for entwining the fingers in the hair and doing same. We like it when you touch us, and usually our heads are the only thing within reach. Touch our face, grab our hair, whatever you like. The second that you push our heads onto your cock, however, some of us may have flashbacks to Unpleasant Experiences, and it may even be bad enough to cause us to put a stop to that fabulous suckjob you were just enjoying. Granted, if she says she wants you to throatfuck her, you go right ahead. But again, this is a *specific request*. If it is not made, just play nice and enjoy the ride.

3) A little warning, please! When you are going to shoot your load, it is The Law Of The Land that you inform us. If you do not, you risk being fired, being snowballed, or having other unspeakable things done to you. (Also, it is especially important that you do NOT shove the back of our head when you make this announcement. REALLY fucking important. Got it, Chief?) Talk to god or the FSM, say your partner’s name in that sexy “oh-holy-shit” voice, but Let. Us. Know. It gives us time to decide if we’re going to want it in our mouth, on our tits, in our hair, or shooting across the room to see if you can hit the wall this time. And it’s polite.

4) It’s NOT a Fine White Wine. A lot of boys talk to me about the fact that nobody ever wants to let the ejaculate in their mouth. “Why not???”, they whinge. I’ll tell you. The diet of the average penis-owner is fucking wretched, especially should you happen to be American as well. High sodium, loads of red meat and coffee, and just not nearly enough potassium. Your partner won’t let you come in their mouth? Do yourself a favour, killer. Next time you’re throwing the Spam Javelin and you get some shpoo on your hand, have a nice lick. (This only makes you gay if you lick somebody *else’s* blooge, not your own. You’re performing a scientific experiment. If it makes you feel better, say out loud in your best Dexter voice, “It’s a BEEYOOTEEful day for science!”) As a matter of fact, I double DOG dare you to do it. Now, would you want to give a mouthful of THAT to somebody who’s being nice enough to you that they’re going to suck your dick? Really. So…cut down on the salt intake, go for the chicken for a while, and no coffee. Have some nice pineapple juice, a ham steak, bananas. Potassium is the friend of the semen. If you’re lacking, so will your taste be. Instead of the usual Bleach & Oyster Stew, serve up something a little less vile. Your partner will thank you for it.

5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, “omg no way lemme rinse first where’s the goddamn Listerine???” and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair’s fair.

Girls:

1) How many times do we have to tell you NO FUCKING TEETH ALREADY!!!??? I don’t even think I should have to elaborate, but I keep hearing about egregious ignorance of this rule. You don’t want somebody to chew on YOUR special bits, do you??? Stop it. It’s not nice. You learned in preschool that biting is bad. Now that you’re an adult, you should know that not ALL biting is bad, but that biting peepees is still totally against the rules. You don’t wish to get a reputation as The Shredder, do you? Then sheathe those fucking things already. Jebus!

2) Testicles. They want your attention. It’s RUDE that you don’t give it to them. There they are, innocently hangin’ there, conveniently placed, and you ignore them??? Now come on. They won’t hurt you! They’re hearing all sorts of good things about you from their friend the penis. Why are you going to leave them out of your reindeer games??? Give them a little fondle with your hand (y’know, the one that’s NOT wrapped around the penis or gripping your partner’s incredibly fabulous ass), show them around the inside of your mouth, batter them a little bit with your tongue! See? It’s fun! And oh, the noises you’ll get out of your partner! Woohoo!

3) Know your limits. If you can’t deep throat and you KNOW this, then don’t even try to show off. Especially not in a first encounter. It will go very badly. If it’s a skill that you wish to learn, and you have a willing study partner, then by all means coat the bed in plastic and go to town! However, it’s only polite to NOT attempt those tricks at home that you’ve seen performed by hardly trained professionals. Gagging is only hot when both people are going for that, and not too many folks are into being puked on. Remember, I’m not talking about pros, here. I’m talking about civillians, people who DON’T give blowjobs for a living. Don’t choke on the cock. Stomach acid can sting, and vomiting on an unsuspecting partner is definitely giving more than anyone bargained for.

4) Oh, stop making that face. If you don’t want to be giving head in the first place, then you should say so and find another way to get him off. If you encouraged him to come in your mouth, then you are only allowed a slight grimace at the taste as you swallow (and point your face down, please, so he doesn’t get a complex about it). After that, of course, you may begin singing Tarzan Boy and run for the Listerine, but until that point, play nice. You wouldn’t want him to make a face like that after he’d just eaten YOU, would you? You’d probably go right home and cry, wouldn’t you?

5) It’s not indestructible. It’s a penis. A part of the anatomy. Sometimes it’ll have some foreskin, in which case, you need to be REALLY GODDAMN CAREFUL because the head is going to be about a million times more sensitive than the crew-neck brigade, because it’s not been rubbed by boxer shorts, jeans, and every other damn thing under the sun. Feel how soft the skin is? It wants to be treated somewhat gently. There’s all that blood in there making it swollen, and the nerve endings are on Orange Alert. If he wants something a bit rougher, he’ll let you know. Also, you can gradually get more enthusiastic with your ministrations as the BJ goes on, but you should be listening carefully for ANY clue that what you’re doing might be painful. If you’re not sure what else to do, hum or moan with his cock inside your mouth. It’s sometimes called “a hummer” for a reason, and the vibrations are soothing in a lovely sort of way.

BOTH OF YOU: Communication is key. Talk. Tell your partner what you want, or how much you really like what they’re doing, or something else you’d love for them to do if you need to distract them from an action that isn’t working for you. Look each other in the eye (well, as much as you can from that angle without giving yourself an eyeball cramp). It’s hot. Totally.

Hi there! My name’s Crickett, and I was just notified that the piece that I wrote on oral sex etiquette was posted on Craigslist. Thank you for putting it up there, as it did wind up on Fleshbot as a “best of craigslist” thing, but I’d be really appreciative if there’s some way that you’d be able to amend it with either a direct link to my LiveJournal or at least credit me as the writer of said piece. Being as it was originally posted in my LiveJournal, and written initially *for* my LiveJournal by me, I do retain the copyright on it as my own intellectual property. Thanks for putting it out there, and thanks in advance for your time. Sincerely, Crickett Lancaster http://www.livejournal.com/users/chowyunsmut

I give head like a pornstar

1.I LOVE to do it. It absolutely turns me on more than receiving it. I will even feel myselt start to drip.

2.I look up at him while I’m doing it so he knows I’m loving it. You give him the eyes or that “I fucking love this” face. Literally devour him. Act like you can’t get enough of his cock.

3.I spend a lot of time licking and sucking his balls while using my hands on him and looking him in the eye… Also–yes I’ll perform a “hummer” if you will

4.Of course I SWALLOW.. but I also allow him to pull back, jerk into my open waiting mouth and onto my tits.

5.I always give while on my knees.. He’s either standing up over me holding my hair or he might be sitting on the couch. Either way at some point I will take my breasts and wrap them around his shaft and fuck it while I suck his head. This way he also gets to watch your ass wiggling.

6.Yes, I have let him give me a pearl necklace. In that case I lick the cum off of my tits and I have him feed it to me off of his fingers.

7.I’ll talk dirty to him a little bit. Tell him I don’t want him to cum yet because I’m not ready, or that I love the way his hard cock feels in my mouth.. I take my time–he better be prepared to sit there for at least a half hour probably more.

8.I love to lick and tickle under his balls. THe “taint” if you will. Or I’ll use my thumb to apply light pressure in circular motions or going up and down. I’ll go lower and lower down to the ass if he lets me. If he’s enjoying it, yes I will rim, and yes I have fingered his ass.

9.When I’m getting really turned on, I’ll reach between my legs and play with myself in front of him. Then I’ll take my soaking wet fingers rub my juice on his head and then suck it off. I’ll also suck my fingers clean for him. If its someone I am dating or something then I’ve even gone so far as to climb onto him.. lower myself.. sit there for about 10 seconds then get back down on my knees and continue sucking.

10.I deep throat. There have been instances where I dont even realize he came because it’s so far down my throat. If he gags me I keep going.

11.And its just general technique. I have a very busy tongue and I get him into a great rhythm building him up and slowing down to help prolong and intensify his orgasm. I love to flick my tongue back and forth around his sensitive ridge and all underneath it.

12.I also SUCK his cock head firmly letting it pass in and out of my mouth, so my lips run over him while he fucks my wet mouth.

13.I’ll get him nice and wet and use my hand to stroke him in a counter-clockwise motion and then I suck on him going clockwise. The other hand goes to his nipples, balls etc.. but the combined sensations get him so hard.

14.When he’s ready to cum thats when speed and intensity HAVE TO INCREASE. I bob up and down on him faster and faster and I let him thrust his hips too so I take him even deeper.

15.After he cums I’ll continue to suck him slowing down intensity and speed, bringing him down from his orgasm until he stops me becuase he’s so sensitive.

Cunning Linguist Lessons

Recently, at the advice of some friends, I checked out some oral sex porn. I’m not usually one to watch porn – most of it is so fake and comical and it makes me laugh….. even the good stuff, well, why watch someone else do what I’d rather be doing? LOL. Basically,porn has no relation to the “real” sex for everyday people and I think there are a lot of guys out there who think it is normal and therefore mistakingly think that using what they have learned from porn movies is going to make them a better lover. Um, newsflash guys: NOT!!!!

So I checked out some recommended clips and did some comparisons.
Here is what I gleamed from my research:

1. Even male porn stars seem to be severely deficient at cunnilingus; approaching the female bits as if they were going to electrocute their tongue or something. What’s with the “dabbing” and biting? Ok, I’m sure there are some women out there with some fettish for that, but dude…really….not me and not any chick I know.

2. Fake Lesbians. Yea, that’s right, I said it. Just because some guy pays two chicks to get it on in front of the camera, it does not make them lesbians. It’s obvious that most of these chicks are not enjoying licking some other girls snatch….cause they are just as bad as the dudes….barely touching the clit with the tip of their tongue. They make lots of kissing and slurping sounds but aren’t really muff diving for real. It’s just a tease. That receiving chick’s orgasm moaning is fake dude…she’s acting.

3. My friends were right. Only real lesbians know how to lick pussy. The only REAL cunnilingus I saw was by REAL lesbians in a porn made by and for Lesbians.
Damn….those chicks know how to eat pussy!!!!! Once again, however, this is how I know that, A)Being Gay is not a choice, becaise B) I’m definitely straight. Why? Because as good as that looked, and tempting as it is to go find me some really hot dike to lick me, it then made me shiver (in a bad way). All I kept thinking was “Why can’t I find a man who can do that?” I mean, think of it this way….if you, a straight man, lives for a good blow job, would you be able to let a man do that to you just because he was he best cocksucker on the planet? No, you wouldn’t….you want a woman to do it cause you are straight and you want to do other stuff too….to/with a woman. Well, the same applies here.

4. Conclusion: CUNNILINGUS LESSONS ARE NEEDED! All Straight men should watch some REAL lesbian porn to learn how to muff dive. NOt the fake shit….find the stuff that is made by and for Lesbians. Take notes if you have to. Maybe find some nice Lesbians willing to give lessons. Note to lesbians: This would be a really good community service for you. It would stop some of the stupid people from trying to “turn” or “cure” you. Maybe give the straights some satisfaction and de-stress them so they are no longer all wound up and uptight therefore no longer poking their nose into your business, etc. LOL. Happy people are less likely to discriminate. Maybe we’d get more support for gay marriage even! If they see you as an asset to society…well…. Besides, gay men have staked their ground – Straight women love them for helping us with design, makeup, clothes, our hair, and yes – how to give good blow jobs. And now both straight genders are in love with “Queer eye for the straight Guy” – those fab 5 have saved some marriages, ya know! LOL. I bet if you made it your mission to teach all straight men how to properly lick pussy…..well…..Straight men would love you for giving them that magic tool, straight women would love you and thank you for the orgasms,….shit, you’d own the world! You will have solidified your necessity in society!!! No more gay bashing, and since both genders in straight society would now be much less tense, I think we just might obliterate war and achieve world peace.
Seriously….think about my gay sisters, think about it.

5. ADVICE: So MEN….please learn how to lick pussy. Watch some REAL lesbian porn and give it a try. You like a good blow job, right? Well….then return the favor damn it. Stop being afraid of the muff…..but don’t dive in like you are bobbing for apples and start of gentle. Make sure you DO NOT BITE OR USE YOUR TEETH unless she has specifically asked for that. Lick it all….lick it like it’s your favorite ice cream!!!! Chris Rock once said in one of his stand up specials that “there are 3 kinds of women; 1. Those who don’t suck dick…do they still make you? Goodbye, see ya! 2. Those who give you just enough to get by….(he dabs the mic with his tongue and says: That enough for ya?) and 3. Women who like nothing better than to suck a dick. God bless every one of ya!” Well boys, you can flip that around for the female point of view and it applies exactly the same. If you don’t fall into category number 3, you are petty much a useless lover IMO. So check yourselves….ladies, if you aren’t giving decent head, you aren’t likely to keep your man, and MEN, if you aren’t truly giving a decent effort to slurp her snatch, and aren’t making her cum…..well….time to re-evaluate and pray that one of the few men out there who DOES lick pussy well doesn’t get to her. Cause if that happens, you’ll be kicked to the curb like a football at the superbowl.

ONE MORE NOTE TO MY LESBIAN FRIENDS: thanks to all the lesbian sisters out there who have, and no doubtedly will, offer me some good cunnilingus, but no thanks. Yes, it’s tempting….I appreciate the offer and I’m quite flattered…..but really….I won’t be able to return the favor, don’t want to bump boobies, and I’ll just wish you had a cock to finish the night. Yea, I know you probably have a nice dildo, or a strap-on, or a rabbit vibrator….but I’m an old fashioned girl….I like the real thing and only the real thing will do. I want the whole body of a good man. Like the old Coca Cola commercial…”Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing , baby…ain’t nothin’ like the reeeaaal thing!”

And remember…..CUNNILINGUS LESSONS just might = World Peace. Think about it.

So guys….we really do want to enjoy sex with you and have the best of intentions….but you gotta step up and do your part. The time has come for women to get ours! Now cowboy the fuck up and learn how to lick us like we’ve got the antidote to death or the fountain of youth in there.