A Dominant Submissive

My outer personality would most likely be described as dominant.  People in my life have told me that they experience me in a way that tells them I am always in control, that I like to control.  I’m a dominant personality.

Inside, however, I have always felt submissive.  I have always fought that submissiveness, taking it as a sign of weakness and having to overcome it.  So perhaps I have overcompensated and become dominant?  And have ignored another part of me that is now beginning to ask for attention?

Which brings me to my innermost fantasy.  To experience a relationship where I am submissive.  I have had fantasies about this all my life, in the sexual sense – leaving out the pain aspect - of being taken, of being told what to do, of being tied, and yes, of being owned so to speak.  And in the non-sexual sense, (of being given instructions; what to wear; how to speak). 

This fantasy does not jive with another part of me that seeks a different kind of connection with a man – a more spiritual/mind connection.  It’s never been a problem however – until now.  Problem is too strong of a word, challenge may be better. 

Whenever I have met a man who is very dominating in personality, aggressive or assertive, I have taken myself out of the situation (regardless of the strong and overwhelming attraction I felt towards him) – whatever it may be – personal, business, friendship etc.  Basically I have avoided aggressive and controlling men and have been in relationships with men who are more less mild in manner.  (I’m not speaking of this in an abusive sort of situation, I don’t believe that an abusive situation represents what a true Dom/sub relationship looks like).

The last little while however, these Dom/sub fantasies have grown louder.  It’s almost as they will not allow me to ignore them any longer.  To make matters worse, I have met a man who is extremely dominant.  I was instantly attracted to the point of being sexually aroused.  My first instinct was to find a way to end the acquaintance – simply telling him that I am not interested.  However, after thinking about it for a few days I am contemplating giving this other side of myself a chance to explore.  To see where it takes me.

I have begun asking many questions about what a Dom/sub relationship would look like or what the rules are.  I have been told that the people in the relationship define the rules.  I like that.  I have been told that it can be a very strong connection between two people.  I like that.  I have been told that respectfullness does exist within the relationship.  I like that too.   I have been told that giving up control takes strength.  I like that as well.  The more I think and talk about it, the more I am aroused by it.  Aroused to the point where it is becoming frustrating if I don’t find release.  Sort of like “blue balls” is for a man?  Or maybe not. 

I have a strong desire to explore this part of my personality.  I also have a strong fear about it.  The desire, is stronger than the fear.  In my “pseudo-research” I have found that such a relationship can be:

- extremely arousing
- addicting
- hypnotic
- exciting
- dangerous

Hmmm, sounds similar to love and infatuation to me!

As much as I know that inwardly I tend to be submissive, this desire, this need that I have to explore this is growing stronger every day.  Have I lost my mind?  Where are these feelings coming from?  The further I explore these questions – the more I want to explore the submissive side of myself.

As much as I believe that fantasies are usually more arousing than actually bringing them to reality, this is one fantasy that I have had a small taste of in reality and it may just be that much more arousing for real, than it is in my head.

Or maybe not.

My wife is a slut…and she doesn’t know it!

To me there are two basic types of sex.
1.    The warm intimacy that is shared between two people in love.
2.    No holds barred, crude, nasty, do whatever you can imagine sexual gratification.

The problem is that in most cases the two never happen at the same time, or at least with the same person.  I heard a saying once that “Making love is what a woman thinks about when you are fucking her”.  There seems to be a discrepancy between what the sexes can imagine as being palatable even if given the chance to dig into their deepest desires.

The problem is, as I see it is that men objectify women if given the opportunity to.  I love my wife, I treat her as such.  We have a great relationship in that we both work towards common goals.  We have a great sex life, we move in unison and we can orgasm at the same time.  I have no complaints.
However if I took respecting her as a person out of the equation and just thought of her as AND had the ability to USE her as I saw fit, the rules would change.  I believe that if a man has the ability to have sex with a woman in the way that he can IMAGINE it would in most cases be distasteful to the woman.

I am not talking about physically harming a woman, I am just saying that if I could do whatever I wished, whatever I can comprehend as being REALLY sexually exciting to me it would more likely represent a porno film than a close relationship.

I don’t hold the thought of ever experiencing any of these scenarios in “real” life.  They serve no purpose to me in my real life.  In conversation with my wife I have brought up various scenarios and could tell by her response that my fantasy would be better off staying just that…fantasy.

I do from time to time draw on these “fantasies” while making love.  In some ways I feel bad in that in my mind, I am objectifying her and her body more than she will know or needs to know.  I am not pretending that she is someone else, rather a one-sided “role-playing” where I am pretending that she is acting in a different way than she would possibly ever comprehend.  I am married, so NSA sex and hookers are not a viable option, I have to work with what I have.  Sometimes she IS a hooker, other times my neighbour’s wife, still others the team’s cheerleader but almost always she is a reincarnation of the stereotypical “slut” and now she is mine. Many different scenarios and yet almost always different than what appears as face value.

If I “make love” and try and get really worked up over the “closeness”, the “connection”, the “bond” I will most likely go to sleep.  I need, at least in my head for sex to be “dirty”.  I need there to be some stigma attached to it in order for me to “get off” intellectually and emotionally.

I like to look into my wife’s eyes and see that sparkle.  I love to see her smile.  I love to hear her voice.  She is a great partner and I am very happy that she is in my life.  What she doesn’t see is how I look at her in a more visually graphic way, how I fantasize about her, how I objectify her body.
I care about her needs.  I always do my best to ensure she is happy and satisfied.  She does the same for me…she just doesn’t know how much.

Visually Exciting

The schoolgirl. This is most likely not a big surprise for most, I think that this is a fairly common fantasy among men. While I don’t have any interest in young girls, the fantasy is based on the fact that when I was in high school I couldn’t get the girl that dressed to thrill, she was dating the jocks. In this scenario, she can tease me…but this time I am going to “have” her as well. Short skirt, white ankle socks, running shoes.

Having sex with her shoes left on, or underwear pulled to the side while having sex is exciting. The idea that she “couldn’t wait”. She couldn’t even get all of her clothes off before…or she left her shoes on to make a quick getaway should his “wife” come home.

The slut. I like the look of sleaze. I like it when a woman dresses like a whore. Once again I would not want this to be a “lifestyle” or ongoing fashion choice but under certain circumstances…

An online dating site fantasy : His version

You’ve been horny all day and just can’t ignore it anymore. You post an ad at 10:00 p.m. on Plentyoffish saying simply “Fuck Me.” Immediately, you receive an email with nude pics from a hot babe who could be Pamela Anderson Lee’s long lost twin. The email says she is wet and ready for you right now, and includes a map with directions to her place. You grab a handful of condoms and go.

When you get there, the Pam twin opens the door naked. She grabs you by your shirt and pulls you inside. “I’m so horny right now, baby,” she whispers as she leans her hot bod against you. “You came just in time.” You look into the room and can’t believe it, but there is another hot naked babe sitting on the bed! She looks like Yasmin Bleeth. The Pam twin says “Oh, that’s my lesbian roommate. We’re exploring my bi side tonight. I hope you don’t mind.” You can’t believe your good luck. The girls go at it all hot and heavy, while you watch, getting harder by the minute. And just when you wish you had remembered to bring your Polaroid camera, the Pam wannabe says, “Hey let’s videotape us. Wouldn’t it be great to watch ourselves afterwards?” You toss up a prayer in heartfelt thanks to any god nearby.

You engage in wild orgiastic sex with the babes. You do the Pam wannabe while the Yasmin wannabe looks on. The Yasmin wannabe sees the size of your cock, and starts thinkin’ maybe she’s been missing out. So you fuck her too, and she realizes that she really is bi, not lesbian after all. You’ve converted her. Life is sweet. Then you do them both again and again. You lose count of their orgasms, and discover your own capacity for multiples yourself. You & the babes watch the videotape you made, but everyone gets horny from watching, so you all fuck again. Hours later, after you are spent, exhausted, and thoroughly satisfied, you gather your clothes and start to dress. The babes kiss you on both cheeks and say thanks for the best fucking of their lives. You leave, never knowing their real names, and with the best story in the history of Penthouse Magazine letters.

By the time you get home, you are too wound up to write to Penthouse. You can’t wait to share your story, so you get back online and start composing your post. You check your email and are surprised to find ten messages from other women who want you, right now. You save their nude pictures into your special folder for future use, and lean back in your chair with a big smile on your face. “I must be dreaming,” you think to yourself.

And then you wake up, alone in your bed. The first words out of your mouth are the same as your original post: “Fuck ….. Me.” But you get up, and get online again, hoping for a chance that you might one day have the Perfect Casual Encounter.

You never know.

What makes me hot

Sexual tension. The greater the sexual tension the greater the overall experience. I am a highly visually enticed individual. From all I can gather through personal research as to what makes me “tick”, I am “into” various fetishes. I should mention here that what really turns me on in “thought” in most cases has not been experienced on a practical level. These are “fantastic” situations. The sexual tension derived from these fantasies would typically lead to masturbation for physical release as opposed to actively being involved in the situation.
Fetishes tend to fall into various categories; Situations, scenarios and visual representations that stimulate my mind.

The following do not fall under any specific theme but I do find them to be a turn-on:

Double/triple penetration of a willing woman. It is the wanton slut that wants to be treated in this fashion that excites me.

Play rape. Role-playing a scenario where the woman is taken against her will. Then she comes to the realization that she actually “likes” it and actively engages herself in the act.

Oral sex ending by coming in her mouth. It don’t care whether she spits, swallows or kisses me but it is very frustrating to “pull out” at the last moment and revert to masturbation. Visually, coming in her open mouth is exciting. Degrading fantasy?

Fisting/objects. This is not in any way exciting to me if it is against her will. Causing anyone pain is not something that excites me in the least. The visual of seeing her vagina stretched wide open is extremely exciting. As I said, this has to be something that she is comfortable with…or it has the opposite effect on me.

Sex toys. I love the idea of using anything on her that will increase her sexual pleasure. Causing her to have a “earth-moving” orgasm through use of “artificial stimulation” excites me. Watching her use these toys on herself is exciting but not as much as me using them on her.

I like to perform oral sex on her when she hasn’t bathed that day. Once again that idea that she “couldn’t even take the time to wash up” she had to have him in there…that mental fantasy gets me going.
Watching the aforementioned scenarios in a pornographic movie with a willing and equally excited female partner.

Most of what turns me on is theoretical and visual fantasy not scenarios that I have found myself “lucky”? enough to be involved in. When it comes to “day-to-day” sexuality and what turns me on…a willing and equally excited female partner. I am actually the opposite of you when it comes down to it. For me it is all about her. I just hope that she is as “naughty” as I am.